Dallas McLaughlin

Having spent the majority of my years in hotels, working every hotel job from top to bottom, I have been given the opportunity to meet many extremely unique people, as well as experience many unexplainable things.  I believe I have been put in every situation feasible, and found my way out of it, sometimes good, and sometimes bad.  Experience is the key.

I have paid my dues so you don’t have too.  Working in the Lodging and Hospitality Industry can be a fun and rewarding experience.  Very few professions provide you with the opportunity to meet as many interesting people on a daily basis. This blog may sound like I hate my job, and/or life, but I truly enjoy what I do and besides my future career aspirations, there are very few jobs I would rather do.

Consider this a guide to the people, things, sights, and scenes you will experience while working as a hotel front desk agent.  If you never plan to work in a hotel, you will no doubt be staying in a hotel at some point in your future.  In that case, consider this a guide on what not to do when you stay at a hotel.

Early Check-ins

• Check-in’s at 3?  Oh don’t worry, that’s flexible by 6-8 hours, check-in is really whenever you feel like showing up.  Not only do you check-in at 9 am, you also complain when your room isn’t ready.  That’s like you inviting me over for dinner at 6 pm, and I show up at noon, and bitch at you because the food isn’t ready.  If you wanna check-in early I will work my hardest to get you on the highest floor, furthest from the elevator, in a room that previously had a smoking pet owner in it.

Parents With Small Children

• The hotel is not your child’s personal gymnasium.  I know the halls are long and straight, with very few things to crash into.  This does not mean this is a suitable track and field course to see who can sprint from one end of the hall to the other in the shortest amount of time.  And another thing, don’t park them in the lobby to watch cartoons while you go off and do whatever you want.

Mouth Breathers

• You just walked 20 feet from your car, to the front desk.  Why are you completely spent, and hanging on to the front desk for dear life?  If you’re so exhausted, great, but why must you lean over the counter to breathe directly into my face, out of your mouth nonetheless?  I can almost hear your lungs collapsing right in front me.  Take a seat in the lobby, get it together, then come check-in.

Weather People

• I work at a front desk, I’m not a meteorologist.  Most guests absolutely can not believe I don’t watch the weather. I don’t know if it’s gonna rain, how long it will rain for, or when the sun will come out.  I don’t know the highs and lows for the next 7 days, I don’t watch the weather.  I can’t “Turn it off”, I can’t “Put a call in”, I can’t even give you a discount because I didn’t tell you it would be raining when you made your reservation.

Smokers In Non-Smoking Rooms

• Who are you fooling?  The entire floor knows you’re smoking.  You’re the only one we can literally smell walking through the lobby.  You have a cloud following you.  Don’t think every guest on your floor hasn’t already called us to complain.  You’re why we take the additional security deposit.

Late Check-Outs

• 99.9% of the time, if you ask, you will be given a late check out.  Its not a big deal.  If check-out is at 11 am, and you show up at 1 pm?  You’re gonna be charged for it, and charged an amount equal to how much you irritated me while you stayed here.  I have the power and I will use it.

Requests

• Room requests are just that, requests.  Nothing in the hotel business is guaranteed, ever.  Even if some inexperienced front desk agent tells you it’s guaranteed, it’s not.  I don’t care if you want me to guarantee you the sun will rise tomorrow, I won’t.  Oh, you put your credit card down to guarantee the room and now its not there?  Congratulations, all you did was guarantee us you would show, and if you didn’t we would charge you anyway.  We never guaranteed a room would be there when you did in fact show up.  I can take a shit in a box and stamp guaranteed on if you want, it will still be guaranteed shit.

Big Spenders

• Yeah I get the hint you have a boat load of cash, you’re laying it on pretty thick.  You’re still gonna get the same room and service as everyone else.  I don’t care about your first class flight, your Mercedes rental car, or the fact that you’re with a blonde girl half your age, and with twice as many aftermarket parts as your previously mentioned Mercedes.  Oh you wanted first floor pool-side with a patio?  Well, so did everyone else.  No amount of money will get me to move another guest so you and your Russian mail-order bride can lounge pool-side.

Story Tellers

• Do you have so few friends that you just go to hotels at night so you have someone to talk to?  Some people are cool to meet and talk to, that’s what makes the job fun.  However, I really don’t care about what small town in Iowa you’re from, or what you had for dinner last night, or what you might watch on T.V. tonight.  When I pretend to be working, by hopelessly mashing keys on the keyboard, that’s a sure sign I don’t care.  When you continue to talk to me while I answer phones and check people in, then it’s really time to get a clue.

Cheap Asses

• Trying to save some money?  Try harder next time.  The worst time to complain about your room is after you have already paid and signed the credit card receipt.  This just tells me that your room was fine, but you’re just too cheap to pay the full amount.  So not only do I not care, I’m less inclined to go through the trouble of voiding your credit card, checking you back in, adjusting your bill, running your credit card, and checking you back out again.  If you complain during your stay, not only can we probably fix the problem, I will offer to move you to another room.  If you decline to move, and then ask for a discount at check-out, it’s not gonna happen.

“College Educated” Hotelier’s

• Oh you’re so funny.  You went to school to work at a hotel.  That’s like a bartender going to bartending school, only twice the cost.  How I laugh when the first bipolar old lady loses her mind in front of you and you run for the door crying.  I’m sorry to be the one to inform you, clearly your school counselor didn’t, the only way to learn the hotel business is through first hand experience.  Did they tell you about the old man who shits on the wall in the laundry room?  Did they warn you about the homeless man living in the boiler room?  How about when the pipes burst and flood the entire hotel destroying thousands of dollars worth of guest’s items.  Oh, but don’t worry, you learned Excel and Quickbooks!

The Stupid Questions

• Honestly, how do you get dressed all by yourself in the morning?  If I wasn’t as kind and sweet as I am, I don’t know how I could handle answering some of the questions I do.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m being filmed.  No the giant gray rectractable door 5 feet to your left isn’t our elevator.  No, our stairs don’t go all the way to the top, they inexplicably stop at the 4th floor, watch your step.  Yes, the rooms have heating and air conditioning, no not at the same time.  The blinking red light on your phone that says “Press 7 To Retrieve Voicemails”, surprisingly does not mean press “0″ and call the front desk and ask for your voicemail.  Oh parking, parking is, you guessed it, in the parking lot!  I know life can confusing at times.

Summary

• So you’re planning a vacation?  You’re planning on working in the lodging industry? I hope with my guidance and experience, you are now well equipped to tackle the world that awaits.  Try not to hit your head on the way out.

Tags: Hotel, Humor, Life, Work

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