Dallas McLaughlin

Before I get started with this installment of my blog, I would like to warn you that I am about to completely geek out on Star Wars.  I have a secret obsession with Star Wars, and what better place to announce that to the world than right here on my blog. I love the movies, games, action figures, books, comic books, everything.

Most of you have probably seen the previews on television.  Star Wars: Clone Wars is about to hit theaters. Try not to confuse this with Episode II: Attack of The Clones. The upcoming CGI theater release is set between Episodes II & III. Episode II leaves off at the very start of the Clone Wars, Episode III resumes the story towards the end of the war.

The upcoming release has encouraged me to go back and watch all six episodes in succession.  I have seen each individual episode uncountable times, but I have never watched them all in chronological order (story line, not release date).  Thanks to working the graveyard shift twice a week, I had plenty of time to do this.

While watching all six episodes, a few things stood out to me that I feel are worth mentioning.  These might be “complaints”, but in all reality I find it hard to believe this saga could be improved upon.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

• Jar Jar Binks:

  • I don’t get it.  The only relevance he had to the storyline was to guide Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi to the hidden Gungan city.  After that was accomplished he could have been removed from the story.  Instead Qui-Gon Jinn invited him along (to spare him from execution from his own tribe [he was banned from the city previously]), and what ensued was the most irritating character in the entire Star Wars universe.  I’ve never heard anyone over the age of 6 say “Jar Jar sure made that movie kick ass!”.  It’s obvious Jar Jar was used as bait to get all the little kids to convince their parents to see the movie.  They might as well have put Barney, the big purple dinosaur in the movie.  Any minor role Jar Jar played in the story line could have been just as easily accomplished by a much less irritating creature.

• Anakin Accidentally Saves The Republic

  • This is another thing I didn’t get.  Earlier in the film, Anakin Skywalker’s (future Darth Vader) uncanny ability to operate a ship is foreshadowed. While fighting to regain control of Naboo, Anakin is told by Qui-Gonn to sit in a starfighter until the Jedi return to save him.  As soon as the Jedi are offscreen, we see Anakin randomly pushing buttons and pulling levers.  He just happens to engage the fighter, magically sets autopilot to meet up with the rest of the fighters.  He then manages to crash land on the Droid Control Ship while bypassing all major defense systems, and skids to a halt next to the main power supply of the ship.  Again, Anakin randomly starts pressing buttons and miraculously fires a laser, exploding the power supply and rendering all Trade Federation droids useless.  Then, to make it even better, he flys out of the exploding carrier and pilots his ship to safety.  He does all of this with an amazing amount of disbelief, and sheer luck.  Many times we hear him yell, “Whats this do?”, and “Whats happening?”.  Anakin looked like a drunken idiot.  He’s supposed to be “The Chosen One”, not some little kid pushing arbitrary buttons, and getting completely lucky in saving the Republic.

• Darth Maul

  • What was with the Halloween costume? “Darth’s” are always bad ass looking.  They always have wicked costumes, cool designs, cool voices.  Darth Maul looked like some scrawny guy who spent too much time in his moms makeup drawer.  All he had was red and black face paint and some shitty glued on horns.

Episode II: Attack of The Clones

• Hayden Christiansen

  • Could you find a more limp-wristed panty waste to play the pre-Darth Vader character?  When he does his little whiney voice he just sounds like a little kid that didn’t get his nap, not the future badass he actually becomes.

• Lack of Sifo-Dyas Backstory

  • Obi-Wan fly’s to Kamino in search of a bounty hunter.  Instead, he finds a factory that is producing clones of the very bounty hunter he is after.  The head of the operation converses with Obi-Wan, and we are told a Jedi named “Sifo-Dyas” ordered the clones.  Obi-Wan is completely blown away by this, as he thinks Sifo-Dyas was dead long before the order was placed.  What is never mentioned in the movie, is the fact that Sifo-Dyas could see the future.  He could see the Clone Wars coming, so he placed the order without approval of the Jedi Council.  Apparently he couldn’t see the future well enough, because he was murdered by Count Dooku.  Count Dooku, working with Darth Sidious, learned of the Clones and implemented “Code 66″ as part of the Clone development.  Code 66 was the code to turn the Clones against their creators, and purge the Jedi.

• The War Itself

  • It seems very unclear who’s side the Clone Army is actually on.  We hear the Jedi (Sifo-Dyas) placed the order, but we also hear Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace Windu confirm the Jedi Council had nothing to do with it.  We know Count Dooku is behind it, but we don’t know how.  We also know Jango Fett (The Bounty Hunter) is against the Jedi, but he’s also the template for the Clones.

Episode III: Revenge of The Sith

• General Grievous

  • The first time I saw the movie, it drove me crazy that General Grievous coughed.  It made no sense.  He was a robot.  Why would he have lungs, and a need to breathe at all?  And why does he cough?  Does he have an immune system, which means he can become sick?  Whats not mentioned is one of the coolest stories within Star Wars.  Well it turns out, Grievous is actually a Cyborg.  He was originally a Kaleesh, a more human type lifeform.  While Grievous was a Kaleesh, Count Dooku and Darth Sidious saw his potential as an elite killing machine.  They knew they were at odds with the Kaleesh, so they had to stage a plot to gain his trust.  What they did was blow his ship up, with him inside of it.  Now with his body blown to bits, Dooku and Sidious reassembled him has a Cyborg.  Grievous was the pioneer of the cybernetic technology which would later be perfected in saving Anakin, and creating Darth Vader.  The cough is used to show the technology has not yet been perfected, and his natural body is trying to reject his new cybernetics.  Something that would be worked out by the time it was needed for Vader.

• Hayden Christiansen

  • Did I mention this guy?  He’s so gay he probably shits rainbows.  His terrible acting nearly ruined Episodes II and III.  He overplays the “I’m going to the Dark Side” card way too much.  He’s like that kid on the playground who’ll take his football and go home if he doesn’t get what he wants.

• Obi-Wan vs. Grievous

  • Grievous’ story tells us he was the ultimate killing machine.  He had the mind of a powerful Jedi, and the advantage of having cybernetic body parts, not to mention four arms, for four lightsabers.  In previous Grievous history he had killed 7 Jedi at once.  For some reason Obi-Wan, who failed to kill Dooku twice (even with Anakins help), was able to easily kill Grievous, while holding off an entire army of droids.  I thought that battle would have a little more drama to it.

• Anakin Killing The Children

  • Did he really kill a room full of children?  Thats just brutal.

Episode IV: A New Hope

• Obi-Wan and R2-D2

  • Why didn’t Obi-Wan recognize R2-D2?  They were inseperable for nearly 20 years, and when this Droid shows up on his doorstep, he doesn’t even recognize him?  I have to assume George Lucas just didn’t have the foresight to know 20 years later he would be making Episodes I-III where we see this relationship develop.

• The Death Star

  • As we saw in Episode II & III, The Death Star was supposed to be the end all, be all of serious killing ships.  The thing had the power to blow up entire planets in single laser bursts.  With the amount of planning that went into the development and design of this Death Star, I would assume they wouldn’t put a giant hole on the outside, in which one shot from a single pilot starfighter could single handedly destroy the entire thing.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

• Yoda

  • Okay, I’ve knocked a lot of things, and Yoda might be crossing the line, but hear me out.  I don’t understand why he acts like a drunken idiot when Luke first discovers him on Dagobah.  I understand he’s testing his patience, but originally, this was the worlds introduction to Yoda. In 1980 the audience didn’t have the benefit of knowing how much of a badass Yoda was.  The fact that his first impression is a stammering fool, and senile old man leaves that impression on viewers who don’t know the back story.  Even cocky young Luke thinks he’s a joke.

• Father / Son

  • We get Vader and Luke are father and son, I understand that.  We don’t need to be reminded at the start and end of every sentence.  “Son, come with me.”,  “Father, I will not go with you!”, “Son, you will come with me or I will kill you.”, “Father, there is still good inside of you.”  This is more of a complaint about Episode V & VI, not just V.

Episode VI: Return of The Jedi

• Jabba’s Musical

  • I didn’t understand the point of the Blues Roadhouse inspired musical sequence.  Was it supposed to put a light hearted spin on the sadistic personality of Jabba The Hutt?  Was it used only to introduce the Rancor?

• C-3P0 As A Deity

  • Why do the Ewok’s believe C-3P0 is a god?  I thought this would be explained, but it never was.

• Vader Kills Sidious

  • I thought that was a pretty lackluster way to dispatch of one of the greatest Sith Lords to ever live.  Sidious could read peoples minds and read their feelings.  How was he not in tune to the giant Cyborg Vader standing right next to him?  Shouldn’t he of all people have seen this coming?

• Vader, Sidious, and Luke Duel Was Pointless

  • The finale of the movie, where Luke duels Vader, and Sidious attempts to finish off Luke, was completely pointless from the Rebel’s point of view.  Luke wasn’t “Saving” the Rebels, or even fulfilling the prophecy that Anakin couldn’t.  You see, the Rebel strike force led by Lando was already in the process of destroying the Death Star, which they did.  Had Luke been unsuccessful in killing Vader and Sidious, they would have been blown to pieces moments later anyway.

The Star Wars saga is the greatest story ever told.  Each character, no matter how big or small, has a fully developed backstory.  The theatrical releases, Episodes I-VI only scratch the surface of this saga, they’re the cliff notes version of the story.  I can understand George Lucas would have a hard time widdling the story down to six, two hour movies.  Inevitably things had to be omitted for the sake of the general audience.

Viewed seperately, as individual pieces of work, many of these complaints would go unnoticed.  The tangled web of characters, backstories, and foreshadowing, made it nearly impossible to include all of the little details that are essential in truly understand the Star Wars universe.  If you’re interested in the Star Wars universe, I recommend reading the “Expanded Universe” series.  Without the limitations presented by the silver screen, you are able to truly dig into, and comprehend the goliath that is Star Wars.

Tags: Entertainment, Movies, Star Wars

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