So what is a “tool bag”? In order to define a tool bag, we must first define a “douche bag”, and from there I will explain the difference between the two.
A douche bag is the scientific name for people who show up in public wearing wife-beaters or oversized jeans. They can also be found wearing sunglasses in nightclubs and/or sun-visors on backwards and upside down. These people should be drug outside and shot in the stomach, then used as speed bumps. A tool bag is a little different.
The tool bag is always trying too hard to fit in, and because of this, never will. However, the tool is useful because you can use them for things like money, rides, food, etc. A tool typically can’t think for themselves, they require “friends” to tell them what to do, where to be, how to dress, and what music to listen too. To summarize, a tool is that guy who makes us shake our head in disbelief but at the same time makes us feel better about ourselves since we are not him.
Now, I will tell you how to be a complete tool bag. Knowledge is power, and power will keep you from being a tool.
Wardrobe
In order to dress like a tool, it’s essential to follow only the most trendiest of trends. You must do this to
seem “cooler” than other people, and seem “in the know”. No matter how much of a idiot you might look and feel like, you have to do it.
Essential clothing stores include Abercrombie and Fitch, Aeropostale, Hollister, The Buckle, and pretty much anyone else who charges $100 for pants that come pre-destroyed. Tools also enjoy wearing muscle shirts with “clever” sayings on them like “Getting wasted is my job”, “My other shirt is at your moms house”, “Without ME it’s just AWESO”, and last but not least, the famed “COLLEGE” shirt.
While the typical outfit involves plaid shorts, knee-high socks, and a brightly colored Ralph-Lauren polo with the color popped, tools also sometimes wear Bob Marley, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd shirts. In reality they can’t name more than one song by each artist.
It’s also important to accessorize appropriately. It’s common to see tools wearing white-brimmed sunglasses, a black leather belt with silver studs on it, as many bracelets and necklaces as you can manage, and unlaced shoes with your pants tucked under the tongue.
Body piercings are also a very good way to become a tool bag, especially tongue rings on guys.
Friends
Tool bags have the advantage of usually being friends with the “cool people”. This is because the cool people have adopted him as their personal tool. Every group of friends has atleast one dedicated tool, if your group doesn’t, sorry to tell you, but you’re the tool.
Popular reasons to keep the tool around include free rides, they won’t steal your women, they’re usually a good source to copy homework off, free food, a good laugh, and they’ll do anything you ask them too. It also gives you the “cool by comparison” factor.
Another popular phenomena is the fact that the tool usually brings the underage girls to the party. These girls are usually his “friend” because he spends late nights on instant messenger chatting about their “feelings”. Of course, these girls are also using him as a tool to acquire rides and alcohol.
Music
As mentioned above, a tool will pretend be a fan of classic rock icons Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and Bob Marley among others. Upon questioning, you will realize they really have no idea about any of these artists. Sometimes they take the extra step and purchase (download) a “Greatest Hits” album and memorize the play list for future interrogations.
A tool really listens to the music everyone else is listening too. They become the “biggest fans” of the “flavor of the week”. Typically, if a group of girls are in love with a band, the tool is too, knowing this can be his “in” for about a month. As quickly as the teenage girls taste changes, so do the tools.
Another form of tool, but bordering more closely with the “hipster”, is liking music no one else likes. This is linked closely to wearing the “trendy” clothing to seem ahead of times. They’ll usually buy up shirts with the name of an obscure band on it. When asked who the band is they reply with a “haha, of course you wouldn’t know would you?”
Work
In the high school years, tools typically have jobs at teen “hot spots”. This includes Abercrombie, American Eagle, The Buckle, Hot Topic, and other overpriced retail stores. This sometimes includes cell phone kiosks at the mall.
As the tool ages, they sometimes find it hard to leave behind they’re beloved teenage jobs. Anyone in their late 20’s early 30’s working at any of the above stores is a tool. Even if your the assistant to the assistant regional branch manager.
When they do leave the nest, adult tools can be found as “servers” in all local Applebee’s T.G.I. Fridays, Timberlodge, and Outback Steakhouse. This is mainly do to the fact that by this point in life they are paying monthly child support and prefer to claim minimum wage to pay less.
Conclusion
Being a tool bag is not a choice, and it’s not something your born into. It’s a title that may only be bestowed upon you by your friends and sometimes even family. Now that you know the defining characteristics of a tool bag, you have the essential tools to avoid becoming one yourself.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Just make sure you include those darling lace gloves you were showing off to Josef Rakich and I WILL rep you for supreme fashion sense!