Dallas McLaughlin

Ever since the Wild first dropped the puck in 2000, I’ve always been confused about what exactly their logo is.  What is a “Wild”?  Maybe it has to do with the vast wilderness of Minnesota?  That works, I guess.  But then what is that weird animal represented in the logo?  It looks like some sort of Wild Cat, or a Lynx, or something.  What does that have to do with Minnesota? It’s just weird.  I’ve always talked about how much I hated the logo, but now, with everyone else in the world rebranding their companies, why not give the Minnesota Wild a face lift?

I started brain storming, and figured out I wanted the logo to stay pretty similar.  I didn’t want to change it so much that the casual person doesn’t know it’s Minnesota’s logo.  I still wanted it to represent Minnesota, and still keep the “Wild” and wilderness theme.  If you’re any kind of Wild fan, or even just a sports fan in general, you know the Minnesota Wild hockey team is very rich in hockey tradition and built around its fans and community.

That gave me a few options.  Geese, birds, moose, deer, nope.  I tried Bears but everything looked like the Boston Bruins.  I was trying to avoid Wolves, because of the Timberwolves, but I decided if I did it right, it could work.  Wolves are fitting, not only because they are spotted in Minnesota, but because of the rich Native American history Minnesota has.  The wolf is a symbol of leadership, courage, and hope in the Native American community, mainly the Lakota Sioux who originally migrated from Northern Minnesota to North and South Dakota.

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Now that looks a lot more bitchin’.  I kept the same idea.  The silhouette of an animals head, except I changed it to a much more vicious and threatening animal in the wolf.  Also, like I said before, the wolf represents Minnesota much more than…. whatever that is.  Next up were the jerseys.

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First up was the home jersey.  I wanted that “old school” look.  Minnesota is about old time hockey.  Our hockey was built in the north with the hard working, bloody knuckle type workers.  Skating on the frozen lakes in below zero weather.  We need old time hockey jerseys that represent that.  We also need Minnesota right there on the chest, not some tiny “if you squint real hard you can see it“, Minnesota font like we currently have.

Click for full size version.

Next up was the road jersey.  Traditionally, the road jersey is supposed to show who you are, where you’re from, and what you’re about.  That’s why the state of Minnesota is placed on the upper right chest, for everyone to see who they are playing for.  Then I felt we needed to put the new, “intimidating” logo dead center.  Again, I threw in the old school flavor with the traditional stripe across the middle, a la the original 6.

Click for full size version.

Last, but not least, every team has the alternate jersey.  The alternate jersey has always been the “futuristic” look of the franchise.  We’ve seen a lot of ugly things from the alternates from other franchises (Vancouver….), but occasionally you get an alternate so cool, it eventually becomes a regular jersey (Rangers).  I’ve always been a fan of putting the number on the front of the jersey.  I also threw in a hint of the traditional look in the manuscript font spelling Minnesota.  Perhaps a throwback to old Gopher jerseys.  Then, the modern feel comes from the long, swooping line across the entire jersey.  This is gaining popularity around the league, with a lot of teams doing this on their every night jerseys.

Conclusion

And there you have it.  Not only would it bring Minnesota a much more traditional looking team, think of the sales numbers a rebrand would bring.  We’ve already sold out every single home game since 2000, imagine if we had something new to be excited about.  It would be almost as exciting if we put a few numbers in the Win column occasionally.

It’s not too often I watch movie trailers and get excited.  But this one looks especially cool.  For Christmas, I got Fallout 3 for XBox 360, and I’ve been playing the shit out of that.  Maybe that’s what has me excited about the  post-apocalyptic stuff, but either way, this movie looks bitchin’.

Does anyone remember the old Sega (I think it was Sega…) games called “Oddworld”?  I get that vibe from this trailer too, and that’s pretty cool.

I’ll be waiting patiently to illegally download this one!

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone —”to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my girlfriend about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her parent’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Hey, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed … “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I’ leaving you!” “But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip a quiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with an AM station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors … they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed … easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

This guy is way cooler than you and I will ever be… well maybe not me, but definitely you.

Men’s Room Fail:

“I just accidenty the whole urinal cake.  What should I do?”

“Use an action verb.”

Honestly, it’s kind of important in the given situation.  He “accidenty” did what to the whole urinal cake?

Death, it has always been the most captivative, dark, unknown and sometimes scariest part of the life process – for those who believe in an afterlife and for those who don’t alike.

I’ve never wanted to be buried in a church cemetery with a cross over my head. Reminds me of the joke “All dressed up and no place to go“. A cross that I never had much respect for. Its not exactly the cross that I don’t have respect for. Its the people who used it that is the reason for my lack of respect for an ancient symbol that survived centuries of history.

When does a person become dead? Is it when the heart stops beating? Is it when the last pulse rushes through the brain? Is it when the eyes die? When does death of a person become scientific and not emotional? Is it when the last person they knew dies? or is it when last person that knew them dies?

When you see a dead body, what is it that makes us feel alive and dead at the same time? I’m not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn’t do. But I keep learning from my mistakes. Its the result of all the mistakes that I did that makes me who I am. Not the many rights I might have done.

Atheists do not believe in afterlife. Strong Atheists say they can disprove the theory of afterlife. Christians believe in the opposite. Weak Atheists don’t claim to disprove it, but they don’t believe either. A weak atheist like me, would trade anything to be as sure as either of them are.

I know, that in time, people I know are going to die, at least some of them before I do. It will create a huge gap in my world, a gap that’ll never be filled. Those who will not have a grave that I can visit, will remain a greater sorrow than those that left a physical place to remember. Should that gap be worsened for those who will miss me too? Should I choose not to be buried in a cemetery?

I was raised a Catholic. Sure I’ve walked through the cemetery at night to prove how brave I was. I did it with my belief that there are no ghosts. Those were steps which deepened my roots in Atheism. I think about my death and being put in a grave now and again. I do not want to have a cross over my dead remains after I pass on. But is it my decision to make?

But the only thing I am sure about is this – If I’m buried in a traditional catholic grave, I will have atleast one person there with pansies. The sweet little purple, red and white flowers that symbolizes free thought. The pansy derives its name from the French word pensée, which means “thought”. It was so named because the flower resembles a human face, and in the month of August it nods forward as if deep in thought. Atleast one person who respects what I stood for when I was alive. But if I don’t have a grave, my ashes will be flowing as a part of wind, earth and air across the places that I never made it to. And settle down with mother earth over time, or go back into the blender, until the end of days.

I hope their smiles don’t fade. Because I’ll be smiling at the time of my death. They say your whole life flashes in front of you a second before death. I’ll not be waiting for salvation, because I’ll be thinking “Lets do it one more time!”. Sure I’ll be smiling at a well spent life. How hard can it be compared to living in a world with people who can’t trust, love or respect each other?

It’s official!  After decades and decades, we are finally able to crown the worst band in the world.  It came as no surprise that goliath Google had the final say on the matter.  See for yourself.

Try it for yourself.  Go to Google and search “Worst Band In The World”.

Okay so just last week I brought you “Let Me Pose A Question“, a story about a small encounter with a pretty dumb human being.  This week, I’m bringing you a story about an old senile lady I literally just hung up the phone with.

So let me explain first.  We’re in Rochester, affectionately known as the “Med City” due to the Mayo Clinic and everything that entails.  Our population is approximately 100,000, and Mayo Clinic employs about 32,000 of them.  (of course that’s a skewed stat, but people always refer to it as fact so I will too.  It’s skewed because probably half those people don’t live in Rochester, there for, they don’t all count towards our 100,000.)   So pretty  much every Rochester business is floated by the “tourism” the Clinic and Saint Marys brings to our town.  A big part of the Mayo Clinic / Saint Marys draw is a place called “Generose”.

The Generose building is where the crazys go.  Now I know other people go there too, but the general consensus is that it’s for the crazys.  So, a lot of the Generose patients, frequent Rochester businesses.  Crazy people are crazy, but they still need somewhere to sleep when doing outpatient treatment.  I’ve had quite a few people I’ve suspected to be Generose patients visit my downtown hotel, so I’ve become pretty good at identifying them.

Here, let me give you an example of how the latest suspect revealed herself.

Me: Thank you for calling Comfort Suites, this is DJ, how can I help you?

Crazy Person (CP): Hi, is this the Holiday Inn?

Me: No, this is Comfort Suites. (Didn’t I just announce that?)

CP: Oh good, I’m looking at your website now.

Me: What can I help you with?

CP: I will be coming “THE MAYO’S” buildings on December 28th and I need a place to stay.

CP: Now, I’m looking online and I see you have a AAA rate.

Me: Yep, we also have the Mayo Clinic rate which would be a little cheaper.

CP: Oh goodie!  My husband’s in the military… well he’s not now but he was when he was younger.

Me: Yeah, the Clinic rate will still be less than the Military rate.

CP: Can I get the Clinic, AAA, and Military rate?

Me: No, our rates don’t stack, we just offer the lowest rate that fits your needs.

Okay, it’s been pretty normal up ’til now, here’s where it gets good.

CP: I see you also have a “Over 50, Mature Travelers” rate. (the modern way of saying “Senior Citizen”)

Me: Yeah, we do but ag…

CP: Don’t ask me how much I weigh!

Me:…

CP: I’m not gonna tell you how much I weigh.

Me: I don’t need to know how much you weigh, your weight doesn’t effect your room rate.

CP: Well good, because I’m not telling you how much I weigh.

Me: That’s not a problem….

CP: Okay, I see you also have a “Lake View” room, I “no comprehende”.

Me: Well, we have a Lake outside, so your room would have a view looking out at the lake.

CP: Ahhhhh….

Me: (No shit…)

CP: Do those have balconies on them?

Me: No they will just have a window looking out towards the lake.

CP: Oh, good… so I don’t have to worry about Spiderman shooting his web up and coming in my window.

Me: No, you won’t have to worry about that….

CP: Okay, well everything looks good, I’m gonna book this online.  I’ll call you if I have any problems.

Me: Alright, have a nice day….

The belief that some Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil source from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Yeah, that makes sense…

Let’s imagine you’re driving from Iowa to Minnesota.  On your way, you keep passing two billboards.  One for Timberlodge Steakhouse, and one for Outback Steakhouse.  You’re feeling kind of hungry, so you call Timberlodge Steakhouse and make a dinner reservation.  As you’re coming to your destination in Minnesota, you see the Outback Steakhouse.  You decide, since it’s more convenient, you’ll just eat at Outback.  You certainly wouldn’t expect them to have your Timberlodge reservation would you?

Then how dumb must a person be to make a reservation at Country Inn & Suites and expect Comfort Suites to have a room for them?  Yes, I just experienced this.  A person made a reservation at a completely different hotel, yet could not fathom how I didn’t have their reservation information.

Highly Functioning Retard (HFR): “What do you mean you don’t have my reservation?”

Me: “Maybe it’s under a different last name, or spelled wrong… let me look.”

Me: “I’m sorry I still can’t find it, you made it at Comfort Suites right?”

HFR: “No, I made it at Country Inn & Suites.”

Me: “Oh, okay, well that’s the problem.  Country Inn is just a couple miles down the road.  They’ll have all your information for you.”

HFR: “Well you’re the same thing aren’t you?”

Me: “…. no we’re COMFORT SUITES, you’re looking for Country Inn & Suites, just down the road.”

HFR: “You can’t get my reservation from them?”

Me: “No, I have no way to access their information.  It’s a completely different hotel, different owners, different name, different location, different guests.”

Me: “I can make you a reservation here if you would like.”

HFR: “Well no, I want to stay there, I just don’t understand why you don’t have my information.”

Me: “….”

HFR: “Okay, I guess you don’t want my business then, I’ll find somewhere else to stay.”

Me “….”